Dealing with Gaslighting at Work: 3 Steps to Recognize, Resist, Reclaim w/ Examples
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Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior where a person makes someone question their own sanity, memory, or perception. It's a common phenomenon in personal relationships, but it also occurs in the workplace, where it can have devastating effects on mental health, productivity, and job satisfaction. In this post, we'll explore what gaslighting is, how it manifests at work, and why it's essential to address it.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to distort or deny reality, making the victim doubt their own experiences, beliefs, and feelings. It's a power play used to gain control, dominance, or advantage over someone.
How does Gaslighting manifest at work?
Gaslighting at work can take many forms, including:
Denial of reality
Minimization
Blame-shifting
Emotional manipulation
Gaslighting by omission
Playing on insecurities
Why is it essential to address Gaslighting at work?
Gaslighting can lead to:
Low morale
High turnover rates
Difficulty in teamwork and collaboration
Decreased productivity
Increased stress and anxiety
How to Deal with Gaslighting with the Recognize, Resist, and Reclaim (3Rs) Framework
The Recognize, Resist, Reclaim framework is a powerful tool for dealing with gaslighting at work. This framework helps you identify gaslighting behaviors, resist their impact, and reclaim your reality, confidence, and well-being.
Recognize
Identify gaslighting behaviors: Learn to spot common gaslighting tactics, such as denial of reality, minimization, blame-shifting, emotional manipulation, gaslighting by omission, and playing on insecurities.
Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize how gaslighting affects you emotionally and physically. Don't dismiss your feelings or doubt your perceptions.
Document incidents: Keep a record of events, including dates, times, locations, and details of what happened. This helps you track patterns and provides evidence if needed.
Resist
Set clear boundaries: Communicate your limits and expectations clearly and assertively.
Seek support: Reach out to trusted colleagues, supervisors, HR, or a therapist for guidance and validation.
Practice self-care: Engage in activities that boost your confidence and well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
Reframe gaslighting messages: Challenge negative self-talk and reframe gaslighting messages in a positive, affirming light.
Reclaim
Reclaim your reality: Trust your perceptions and experiences. Don't let gaslighting distort your reality.
Rebuild confidence: Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive feedback.
Re-establish boundaries: Assertively communicate your needs and expectations.
Report incidents: If necessary, report gaslighting incidents to HR or supervisors, using your documentation as evidence.
4 Examples of Using 3Rs to Address Gaslighting at Work
Let's explore four examples of gaslighting behaviors, and how to deal with them using the Recognize, Resist, Reclaim framework.
Example 1: Denial of Reality
Example
AGGRESSOR (Manager): "You're just being too sensitive. That meeting wasn't that bad."
VICTIM (Employee): "But I felt belittled and humiliated in front of my colleagues."
AGGRESSOR: "That's not what happened. You're exaggerating."
How to Use 3Rs
Recognize: Identify the gaslighting behavior - denial of reality.
Resist: Assertively express your feelings and experiences. "I understand that you may not have intended to belittle me, but your words had a significant impact. I'd appreciate it if you could acknowledge my feelings and apologize."
Reclaim: Reclaim your reality by acknowledging your emotions and experiences. "I felt belittled and humiliated, and I deserve an apology."
Example 2: Minimization
Example
AGGRESSOR (Boss): "It was just a joke. Don't be so uptight."
VICTIM (Employee): "But your comment was offensive and hurtful."
AGGRESSOR: "Oh, come on. It was just a little humor."
How to Use 3Rs
Recognize: Identify the gaslighting behavior - minimization.
Resist: Stand firm and assertively express your feelings. "I understand that you may have meant it as a joke, but your words were hurtful. I'd appreciate it if you could acknowledge the impact and refrain from similar comments in the future."
Reclaim: Reclaim your reality by acknowledging the impact of their words. "Your words were hurtful, and I deserve respect."
Example 3: Gaslighting by Omission
Example
AGGRESSOR (Manager): "I never said that. You must have misunderstood."
VICTIM (Employee): "But I have an email from you saying exactly that."
AGGRESSOR: "Oh, that was just a mistake. I didn't mean it."
How to Use 3Rs
Recognize: Identify the gaslighting behavior - gaslighting by omission.
Resist: Seek clarification and assertively express your concerns. "I appreciate your clarification. However, I'd like to discuss the email and ensure we're on the same page. Can we review the email together and clarify the expectations?"
Reclaim: Reclaim your reality by acknowledging the truth. "I have an email that confirms our previous agreement. Let's work together to clarify the expectations."
Example 4: Playing on Insecurities
Example
AGGRESSOR (Colleague): "You're not as experienced as you think you are. You're just pretending to be an expert."
VICTIM (Colleague): "But I've worked hard to develop my skills."
AGGRESSOR: "Yeah, sure. That's why you're always making mistakes."
How to Use 3Rs
Recognize: Identify the gaslighting behavior - playing on insecurities.
Resist: Assertively express your skills and experiences. "I understand that you may have concerns about my skills, but I'd appreciate it if you could provide constructive feedback instead of personal attacks. Let's focus on improving together."
Reclaim: Reclaim your reality by acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments. "I've worked hard to develop my skills, and I deserve respect and constructive feedback."
By recognizing the signs of gaslighting, resisting the manipulation, and reclaiming your reality, you can deal with gaslighting effectively. Remember to:
Trust your instincts and perceptions
Document incidents and facts
Seek support from HR, supervisors, or colleagues
Set clear boundaries and expectations
Prioritize self-care and stress management
Don't let gaslighting dim your light.
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