How to Give Feedback to Someone Who Is Defensive [With 3 Examples]
Giving constructive feedback is essential for growth, but delivering it to someone who tends to take things personally can be challenging. Defensive individuals often interpret feedback as a critique of themselves rather than as guidance for improvement. This mindset can create tension, hinder progress, and make open, productive conversations difficult. To ease defensiveness and foster a more positive exchange, try reframing feedback with carefully chosen language.
In this post, we’ll explore phrasing alternatives that may make feedback easier to accept, plus three examples that demonstrate how to apply them.
Why Defensiveness Arises
Defensiveness often stems from an individual’s attachment to their work or a strong desire for validation. When someone feels that feedback is a reflection of their self-worth, they may react by putting up walls or justifying their actions, which can sideline the constructive aspects of the conversation.
With this in mind, feedback should be phrased in a way that:
Respects their effort but suggests that growth is always possible.
Shifts the focus from personal validation to improvement opportunities.
Maintains objectivity to encourage them to view feedback with an open mind.
Six Constructive Ways to Phrase Feedback
Using carefully chosen euphemisms, we can gently highlight a growth opportunity without framing it as a personal attack. Here are six alternative phrases to the word “defensive”:
Takes things personally – Describes the general challenge, hinting at the opportunity to adopt a more detached perspective.
Overly attuned to feedback – Suggests a heightened sensitivity to feedback, encouraging a more balanced response.
Overseeks validation for their contributions – Acknowledges their desire for affirmation, with a hint that feedback can be viewed constructively.
Too sensitive to perceptions of their work – Points out a strong concern with others’ views, suggesting an opportunity to focus on personal growth.
Takes too much pride in their work – Recognizes their investment, subtly hinting that improvement is about refinement, not a critique.
Seeks too much affirmation for their work – Highlights their need for validation, inviting them to view feedback as a tool for development.
These phrases soften the impact of feedback, giving the individual room to reflect rather than react defensively.
3 Example Dialogues for Constructive Feedback
To illustrate how these euphemisms can be applied in real conversations, here are three example dialogues using the most effective options:
Example 1: Using “Overly Attuned to Feedback”
Manager: “I’ve noticed that you’re very attentive to feedback, and that’s a great quality. At times, it seems like you might be a little overly attuned to it, though. When feedback is given, it’s meant to be a tool to help you, not a judgment on your abilities. How can we make sure you feel comfortable taking it in as guidance rather than critique?”
Employee: “I guess I sometimes focus too much on what others think. I could probably work on using feedback more objectively.”
Example 2: Using “Overseeks Validation for Their Contributions”
Manager: “Your work is clearly important to you, and I can see you want to make sure your efforts are recognized. I wonder if there’s a chance you may be seeking a little too much validation. Feedback is often about growth opportunities rather than a final verdict. Let’s talk about how we can use it to help you grow, instead of focusing on how it reflects on your current standing.”
Employee: “I understand. I sometimes worry that my work might not be appreciated enough, but I can see that feedback is more about where I can go from here.”
Example 3: Using “Takes Too Much Pride in Their Work”
Manager: “It’s clear you take a lot of pride in your work, which is fantastic. But sometimes, when we take a lot of pride in what we’re doing, feedback can feel a bit more personal. Remember, feedback is just a way to refine and improve—it’s not meant as a reflection on your dedication. How can we make sure feedback feels supportive rather than critical?”
Employee: “Thank you—I do care a lot about my work. I’ll try to keep that perspective in mind next time.”
Final Thoughts
When someone takes feedback personally, it can be difficult to help them see the value in an outside perspective. Using alternative phrasing allows you to acknowledge their dedication and concern while shifting the focus to constructive growth. By framing feedback as a collaborative effort toward improvement, even the most defensive employees can start to view feedback as an ally rather than an adversary.
