31 Ridiculous Performance Review Statements
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Performance reviews are a crucial part of any job, but sometimes they can be...interesting. Whether it's a well-meaning but clueless manager or a employee who's just not cutting it, performance reviews can be a treasure trove of ridiculous statements.
In this post, we've collected 31 of the most hilarious and cringe-worthy performance review statements out there. From the absurdly incompetent to the lazily laid-back, these statements will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even recognize a few traits in yourself (or your coworkers). So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ridiculousness.
Incompetence
Rock Bottom
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom… and has started to dig."
Village Idiot
"This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Low IQ Alert
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
Watering Plants
"If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered."
Chicken Leader
"He's got the leadership skills of a chicken running around with its head cut off."
Laziness
Slacker Alert
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
Chill Pill
"If he were any more laid back, he'd be comatose."
Not a Morning Person
"He's not a morning person... or an afternoon person... or an evening person."
Communication
Follow the Leader (Sort Of)
"His men would follow him anywhere… but only out of morbid curiosity."
Argumentative
"He would argue with a signpost."
Inception Explained
"Her communication skills are so good, she could explain the plot of 'Inception' to a kindergartener."
Creativity
Delusions of Grandeur
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
Paint-by-Numbers
"She's got the creativity of a paint-by-numbers artist."
Toast Innovator
"He's so innovative, he'd invent a new way to make toast... and then burn it."
Organization
Needle in a Haystack
"He's so organized, he could find a needle in a haystack... if he remembered what he was looking for."
Time Management Pro
"Her time management skills are so good, she could fit 30 hours into a 24-hour day... if she didn't spend most of it on social media."
Teamwork
Hermit Crab
"He's got the people skills of a hermit crab."
Proactive...ish
"She's so proactive, she'd anticipate a problem... and then forget to do anything about it."
Team Player (Sort Of)
"Her teamwork skills are so strong, she'd work well with a team of rival gangs."
Eating Habits
Pizza Party
"He's been known to eat a whole pizza by himself... and then wonder why the delivery guy never comes to his desk."
Snack Attack
"Her snacking habits are so legendary, she's single-handedly keeping the vending machine industry afloat."
Pac-Man
"He's been eating so much junk food, we're starting to think he's secretly a human version of the Pac-Man character."
Bodily Functions
Gas Alert
"He's so gassy, we're considering installing a methane capture system in his cubicle."
Snooze Fest
"Her snores are so loud, we're thinking of hiring a team of construction workers to build a soundproof tunnel around her desk."
Sweat Factory
"He's so sweaty, we're starting to think he's secretly a human version of the Swamp Thing... minus the whole 'being a superhero' thing."
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