How to Give Compassionate Feedback at Work
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By Marissa Badgley
To many people, feedback is a dirty word. Although we know how important it is and are hungry for it, we also dread it. The word ‘feedback’ is often associated with judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice, and hearing that a person has feedback for us triggers defensiveness or evasiveness—our fight or flight instincts go into overdrive. Receiving (and giving!) feedback is a deeply emotional, and therefore deeply human, experience. And no matter the feedback framework that we employ, there are several universal ways that we can be more compassionate and human-centered in our approach.
Remember ALL effective feedback (both positive and negative) is:
Timely: as immediate as appropriate or possible
Specific: tied to explicit actions, behaviors, observations, or experiences
Authentic & Honest: real, honest, and shared from your experience in your own words
An “Everyone” Thing: given and received by employees across hierarchy and difference
Future-Focused: looking towards how to improve in the future rather than dwelling on the past
Relevant: focused on a specific and important area, not everything a person has ever done right or wrong
Building a Culture of Compassionate Feedback
Part of disrupting uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings about feedback is creating organizations and teams where regular feedback is a part of the culture. By normalizing the experience of giving and receiving feedback, and ensuring that everyone has the tools, mindsets, and buy-in to participate in the feedback culture, we create more honest, authentic, and human workplaces. We can build this culture by:
Setting norms around giving and receiving feedback
We want our employees to feel safe when they receive feedback and this requires teams to have norms around how, when, where, and by whom feedback is received. Is feedback always given one-on-one? Is it a part of department meetings? Is it only provided by supervisors or by everyone on the team? Potential employees should be made aware of these norms prior to being hired so that they can make informed decisions about whether the culture is a good fit, and employees and their supervisors should discuss their feedback preferences during the on-boarding / orientation process.
Giving feedback for the right reasons
Feedback should not be given to demoralize or condemn an employee, or to make a leader/supervisor feel superior or all-powerful. Instead, feedback should be given out of commitment and/or concern to the person receiving the feedback. Leaders have a responsibility to guide and mentor their staff, and to support and enhance their effectiveness, impact, and performance. That’s where effective feedback is rooted, and people can tell the difference.
Giving positive feedback more frequently than negative feedback
When people feel like their boss and others recognize, value, and appreciate their work, they also feel more trusting, relaxed, motivated, and supported. Receiving regular positive feedback makes employees more psychologically and emotionally prepared to receive constructive or negative feedback because they understand that nobody is out to get them and that the negative feedback is being provided to help them grow and improve.
Preparing for Compassionate Feedback
Be prepared
Being prepared shows that you care and can be trusted. Before giving feedback, be sure that you are clear about what the goal of the feedback is. Do you want a person to shift their mindset? Change a behavior? Consider a different approach? Be clear about your intentions, ensure that you are giving the feedback for a good reason, and come to the conversation with specific data or observations to strengthen the feedback you provide.
Bring your emotions but don’t be emotional
Sharing your emotions when giving feedback is a good thing, but it’s never a good idea to give feedback (or do much of anything) when you are feeling highly emotional. This is the difference between calmly saying, “I felt angry when you were late to the meeting this morning…” and screaming at a person for being late out of anger. When we share our emotions, we are more human, but when we rashly express our emotions, we depreciate the humanity of the person in front of us.
Express gratitude
Gratitude increases feelings of optimism, relaxation, joy, and purpose and is shown to reduce unproductive, unpleasant or toxic emotions for both the thanker and the thanked. Therefore, by starting feedback with gratitude, we are creating the conditions that allow the conversation to be more conducive to learning, growth, productivity, efficiency, and focus.
Ask permission; choose your words carefully
Sometimes people are not in a psychological, physical, or emotional space to be able to hear feedback, and the only way we can know is by asking. Since the word ‘feedback’ itself triggers unpleasant feelings for people, consider other ways to ask permission to give feedback. Try, “I wonder if we could talk about what happened at the meeting yesterday” or “I reviewed your brief last night and have some thoughts, can we discuss now?” If a person shares that they are not able to hear feedback, work together to set a time to come back to discuss. Saying, “no, not now” cannot mean, “no, not ever.”
Giving Compassionate Feedback
Speak in terms of actions and behaviors, not person’s identity
When giving feedback, avoid accusing or criticizing the person in front of you. For example, instead of saying, “Tom, you’re lazy,” try, “Tom, when you left the citations out of that report, it impacted our credibility with the client.” In the former case, Tom hears that there is a fundamental flaw with who he is, while in the second scenario, he hears about a specific action that can easily change in the future.
Acknowledge your role and place in the situation
When an employee messes up or makes a mistake, leaders and supervisors have often played some role. Owning what you could have done better to prepare or support the person, shows that you are also human and that you are willing to be a collaborative partner in preventing the situation from happening again.
Acknowledge emotions (even when hard)
Getting feedback puts people in a vulnerable position and can sometimes trigger emotional responses. Offer empathy, use a neutral and calm tone to acknowledge and validate what the person is feeling, and allow the human being in front of you to regain control on their time. “I can tell you are upset right now” or “I know how hard receiving feedback like this can be” or “It seems like you’re angry, let’s talk more about where that is coming from” are great ways to acknowledge emotions, humanize the person with whom you’re speaking, and keep the conversation on track.
Be collaborative about finding solutions
A quick way to decrease trust is to tell somebody that they need to change or fix something without giving them the tools, context, resources, or time to fix it. Provide space to discuss ways to improve, to ask what a person might need in order to implement the feedback, and to answer questions and provide clarification as necessary. Collaboration makes us feel like we are not alone and increases feelings of belonging, both essential conditions in a human-centered workplace.
Closure & Follow Up
Be clear about demands; don’t fake suggestions
It is important to be clear with employees about what is required for them to change and what is negotiable or a suggestion. To be nice, we might say things like, “You might consider…” or “You might want to think about…” or “Maybe you should try…” These are fine, if you are giving the person latitude to decide how to implement the feedback. However, don’t offer a suggestion if there is a requirement or a mandate. This comes across as dishonest and inauthentic, and ultimately makes you untrustworthy.
Ask for feedback to be repeated back to you
After giving feedback and after solutions are brainstormed, ask the person to repeat back what they heard during the conversation in their own words. This will allow you to understand how the information was interpreted and gives YOU feedback on how well you communicated. It also allows you to clear up miscommunications or uncover emotions that might affect how feedback is implemented.
Follow up and review the goal
The story doesn’t end when feedback is offered and when a person returns to their desk. Review the goal you set and ensure that your team member takes the actions and/or modifies the behaviors that you discussed. Check in with the person to see how it’s going and how they are feeling and offer support as needed and appropriate. Following up on content and feelings shows that you care not just about the work but also about the person, and this makes people feel more safe, supported, and motivated.
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Marissa Badgley, MSW leads Reloveution a professional development consultancy. Reloveution offers organizational assessment, professional development, retreats, and coaching for people, organizations, and schools looking to strengthen their capacity in building compassionate, human-centered workplaces. You can reach her at marissa@truereloveution.com.